PLAYING CATCH-UP WITH BIDEN, ‘ROCKEFELLER,’ AND EDWARDS

PUBLISHED: | UPDATED:

I have some catching up to do.

A lot of stuff has happened while I was vacationing in the luxurious accommodations of Saints Medical Center. So, if you’ll allow me to backtrack a bit, I’d like to revisit a few issues before they go by the boards.

We’ll start with the most recent and work backward, OK? Obama picks Joe “Xerox” Biden as his running mate. TV stations were on the air 12 hours earlier, telling us that the announcement was imminent. TV talking heads and political pundits were absolutely apoplectic as the afternoon turned into evening and still no announcement.

How was John McCain supposed to top that? I was thinking in the days leading up to the announcement that maybe he could do that Vatican thing with the white smoke coming out of the chimney.

He picked Sarah Palin, a first-term governor of Alaska. A token woman. Somebody who could bring in some of those disenfranchised Hillary voters. She sounds a lot like Frances McDormand from the movie Fargo, but the former Miss Alaska runnerup has that hot librarian thing going.

But getting back to Biden. Remember the 1988 presidential primary race when he lifted a speech from a British politician and used it in a campaign speech? It wasn’t the first case of Biden borrowing. It was discovered he plagiarized a law review article while in law school at Syracuse. Biden got a bit of a pass on both matters, until he was questioned about his academic record in law school, and misrepresented his grades as better than they truly were. He quit the campaign due to “the exaggerated shadow” of his past mistakes.

Yeah, Biden doesn’t impress me much, but still, it was a better pick than Hillary Clinton. I just wish she’d go away. And probably so does Bill.

Speaking of philanderers, how about that John Edwards? This guy is a real piece of work. In 2007 he flatly denied a National Enquirer story reporting he was having an affair. “Absurd lies,” he called it. Then, earlier this month, he admitted to the “liaison,” but insisted he did not father a child with his allege mistress, Rielle Hunter. Oh, and by the way, for those of you who think the guy is pond scum because he was having the affair while his wife, Elizabeth, was battling cancer, Edwards told Nightline reporter Bob Woodruff that Elizabeth was in remission at the time. Oh, that’s better. What a prince.

I want to vote for John McCain, I really do, but seriously, how can I vote for somebody whose favorite musical group is ABBA?

Then there is the bizarre case of Clark Rockefeller, or Christian Karl Gerhartsreiter, or whatever he is calling himself this week. He is accused of kidnapping his daughter, Reigh, after a protracted custody battle. Off-his-Rockefeller says he changed his name because some guy in New York told him to.

OK, I think we’re all caught up now.

Dennis Shaughnesey’s e-mail is dshaughnessey@lowellsun.com.