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Will Paul and Heather McCartney ever get through this ugly divorce? Is it true that Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe are splitting up? Is Topher Grace and Ivanka Trump a couple? Will the tabloids refer to them as Grump? And what the heck is a Borat? And why am I the only person who is not on the inside track?

A colleague of mine, Nancye Tuttle, recently wrote an article that dealt with clutter. She had an expert come to her home to help her part with a truckload of items that had taken up space in her attic. When she was finished, Nancye said she felt liberated.

Is there a company that unclutters the mind? Is there someone I can call to help me rid myself of all the nonsense that is taking up valuable space on my intellectual hard drive?

It seems that every time I think I have a handle on life’s issues, some new thing pries its way into my consciousness.

Can Brian Williams stay on top at NBC, now that the bloom is off the Katie Couric rose? And what about Charlie Gibson? Where does he fit in? Is Rosie getting along with all the other women on The View?

Do Brooke Shields and Katie Holmes really belong to the same Mom’s Club? And how does Tom feel about that?

I’ve been reading about Madonna’s ordeal in adopting a 13-month-old boy from Malawi, Africa. She says the news media is fanning the flames and the average person doesn’t care about it. Madonna, you’re wrong. I care about it. And I know I shouldn’t.

Also cluttering my mind is this televangelist from Colorado, Ted Haggard. Here’s a guy who has been railing against homosexuality and same-sex marriage and he was outed by some guy who says Haggard paid him for sex and crystal meth. Who takes over as president of the National Asssociation of Evangelicals? Jim Bakker?

All I can say about that is this: Jesus said you will know them by their fruit. Still, I can’t stop thinking about it.

Saddam has been sentenced to death. I’m preoccupied with this notion because I don’t know how it works in Baghdad, but I’ll bet they don’t have the same appeal process that we have here in the States. And the gallows, no less. That’s how they put someone to death over there. Do they televise it? Can I get it on YouTube? Oh man, just one more distraction I have to wrangle with.

Then there’s Neil Patrick Harris, who used to be Doogie Howser. He came out last week and he’s a happy gay man. What about your recent appearance with Jane Seymour on your new television show? How am I supposed to reconcile that in my cluttered mind. Thanks a lot, Neil.

I find myself worrying about Anna Nicole Smith. She didn’t look too good on television lately. Her son, David Wayne Smith, died mysteriously last month, two days after Anna gave birth to a baby girl, Dannielynn. But how did David die? And who is the baby’s father? Is it Larry Birkhead or her new husband, the unfortunately named Howard K. Stern? And why, oh why, do I know all these names?

It’s been weeks since there’s been anything new about Brad and Angelina, or Linsday Lohan, for that matter. But I can’t turn around without seeing the name Kevin Federline. Why? Clutter, clutter, clutter.

I swear, I don’t watch the E Channel, Extra, Inside Edition, or any of those television gossip shows. Is it possible that I picked up all this information while waiting for 50 minutes in the lobby of my doctor’s office?

I need to contact Nancye Tuttle’s friend to see if she can recommend anybody that will perform a mindsweep on my brain. Or better still, maybe I should read my New Testament the next time I’m sitting in the doctor’s waiting room.

Dennis Shaughnessey’s e-mail address is dshaughnessey@thevalleydispatch.com.