Hey Manny, sit down, we have to talk, dude. I got some things I've wanted to say for a long time and I'm sorry I didn't say them a long time ago. Maybe you wouldn't be wearing Dodger blue right now. Maybe you could have finished your career in Boston, wearing a Red Sox uniform if I had just gotten to you sooner.
I hope what I have to say will serve you well in La-La Land. So, if I can have your ear for five minutes, here it goes. Pay attention.
The first thing you need to do is get a haircut. I know, I know, touchy subject, but hear me out. Seriously, it would make a world of difference. It will give you a whole new outlook on life.
And a shave. Get rid of that stubble around your chin that wants to be a beard or something when it grows up. It's unsightly. You don't have to look at it all the time but we do. Those long hairs growing out your chin give me the willies. Reminds me of an old lunch lady we had in school.
Manny, really, a clean shave and a haircut will give you an entirely new perspective. It makes
But dressed to the nines, I'm fastidious and meticulous about even the smallest speck of lint on my lapel.
Manny, let me be blunt, OK? You need an extreme makeover, pal. Get rid of the pirate look. You ain't no Jack Sparrow.
By the way, Manny, I heard it from a friend whose barber knows this other barber who highlights Mike Lowell's hair, and she said you use extensions. Come clean, Manny. Are those extensions?
When you're out on the field? Hustle. Hustle in the outfield and hustle on the base paths. You heard the reaction you got last week when you hit that sharp grounder to Chone Figgins deep in the hole at third and it took you 5.7 seconds to get down the line. Figgins threw a rainbow over to first base and beat you. It wasn't even close. Even I could have beaten that one out and look at me. I have two bum legs and a gut that enabled me to wear a Santa suit without padding.
And speaking of legs, Manny, if you get a MRI and the results are negative, you gotta play. You just have to. You blew off a game against the New York Yankees the other day and it didn't even seem to bother you. That just ain't right. You just don't do that.
I was out of work for a couple of days last week and I felt terrible about it. All I thought of was the team. I left them shorthanded and made life difficult for everyone else in the newsroom. And I had a legitimate health issue. What was your excuse, Manny?
You want people to like you, right? I mean, don't you want people to like you? Your teammates? Your bosses? Your devoted fans? Especially the young ones?
You couldn't be bothered to visit President Bush at the White House last spring with the rest of the team and you didn't make the trip to Walter Reed Army Medical Center to visit the wounded soldiers.
Not good, Manny. Not good.
I like you, Manny. I do. And I want you to find that peace you say you've been looking for. I know it's tough to do that on only $20 million a year. I understand that. Listen, I'd have a hard time getting by on half that, but I think I could make it work if I sucked it up.
Just a couple more things. During the game, leave your cell phone inside your locker. There's no need to be making phone calls between innings. Whatever it is can wait until after the game. I mean, it probably gives people the impression that you don't really care about the game, and I know that's not true ... is it? And steer clear of 64-year-old traveling secretaries. Their friendliness is just a ruse. That means trick, Manny. They'll get in your face and tick you off and before you know it you're throwing them to the ground and all kinds of newspaper ink gets spilled trying to convince everyone that you're a bad man, Manny.
I'm just saying these things for your own good. You've given me seven seasons of joy. You've given Red Sox Nation two world championships and I never thought I'd see even a single one in my lifetime. Watching you punish a baseball has been a treat. I remember sitting behind third base during a game against the Tigers a few years ago. You launched one that probably hasn't even come down yet. And I was there another time when you hit one against the Seattle Mariners that was still on its way up when it hit the top of the wall in left-center. I never saw a ball travel so fast.
And now, you're playing for a contender on the West Coast. The Dodgers have a real shot at the postseason. Wouldn't it be great if we could meet up again in October? Just do the right thing, Manny. Try being less ... Manny.
Dennis Shaughnessy's e-mail is dshaughnessey@lowellsun.com.
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